Ingredients

For the Seitan

• 1 litre good quality veg stock

• Water - it’s in the tap so no need to plan ahead

• 2tbsp ketchup

• Good quality olive oil

• 1 onion

• 1 carrot

• A cup coriander (cilantro) leaves

• 1.5 cups of vital wheat gluten

• 1/4tsp each clove and nutmeg powder

• 1/2 tsp each cayenne, garlic, salt and cumin powder

• 2tsp fennel seeds

• 1tsp chilli powder

• 2tsp chilli flakes

• 2tsp of MSG

For the Garlic Tzatziki

• 1.5 cups greek yogurt or vegan alternative

• Half a cup each coriander and dill leaves

• Half a lime

• 4 inch length of cucumber

• 2/3 cloves garlic (no fuckin around)

• Olive oil

Method (for seitan)

1. Prepare your broth. Get the stock heating up, slice up half of the onion into chunks, it doesn’t matter what size, same for the carrot, chuck that in - along with your half of your coriander, MSG, fennel and chilli flakes. Let that go for a bit while you prepare the dry ingredients

2. Grind up half of your fennel seeds somehow, I just chop them with a sharp knife - use a coffee grinder or mortar and pestle if you wish.

3. Combine all of your dry ingredients in a large bowl.

4. Get the wet ingredients on the go - finely dice up the other half of your coriander and grate the other half of your onion, reserve. Don’t chop, grate, you’re never gonna chop it fine enough. I used a microplane.

5. Add minced onion and coriander a vessel with a spout along with your ketchup, 2/3rds of a cup of water, 2/3rds of a cup of your broth and roughly 3tbsp of mild olive oil (any neutral oil will do), mix thoroughly.

6. Combine wet and dry ingredients, mix until a fairly homogenous, springy mass forms. The coriander will not fully comply, that’s life.

Method (for tzatziki)

1. Zest your lime and grate your cucumber on a microplane, salt the cucumber and squeeze between two bits of kitchen roll until relatively dry.

2. Grate your garlic on the microplane too, do a bit less if you want a milder garlic flavour.

3. Finely dice your herbs.

7. After at least 20 minutes (preferably an hour) strain the broth, reserve the liquid, discard the onion and carrot and all that shite.

8. Add your seitan to the pan and add broth until covered. Put on a lid and cook at a lively simmer for at least an hour, it’ll look fucking terrible.

9. Make some of these flatbreads - they’re an excellent accompaniment.

10. Remove seitan from the broth, you can discard the broth if you like but it’s good for another batch, don’t waste it.

11. Once cool enough to handle slice the seitan as thinly as you can, in an airtight container this can be stored in the fridge for 5 days or frozen for 3 months, it will keep better if stored in the broth - your call.

12. To serve seitan, fry thin slices in olive oil until crisp and serve on flatbreads with salad (I prefer just thinly sliced red onion, cabbage and cucumber) tzatziki and hot sauce.

4. Add all of that (lime zest to taste) to your yogurt with the juice of the lime, add olive oil to achieve a saucier texture.

5. Salt to taste.